A Step Forward.

I crinkled the paper and shoved it aside. 

That was the sixth one to feel the brunt of my anger. I seemed unable to think straight and for the first time in a very long time, words eluded me. 

This fact, that I could struggle with words, scared me. It scared me even more than the thought of losing Deji. 

Did it make me a bad person that I loved my gift and ability to creatively pen down my imaginations much more than I love my fiancé? 

But weren't Fiancés meant to be supportive?  Not once had Deji supported my love or desire for writing. He wasn't of the opinion that one could make a living off of it. 

Don't get me wrong. I knew it was hard, especially in this our Nigeria where we have very few readers. And even fewer who were willing to pay for books, not that I had any published work. But then, writing wasn't just a way to make money for me, it wasn't just a business venture. It was me. Not just a part, but all of me. 

I crinkled another paper and threw it into the waste basket by my table. Sighing, I covered my face and tried to get these thoughts out of my mind. 

"Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts." I whispered. 

How could someone claim to love you but dislike what made you tick? 

"Positive thoughts." I whispered again. 

Did Deji think I loved the fact that he was an accountant and didn't posses one creative bone in his whole body? 

"Positive thoughts."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. 

Sitting up and looking around my office, I smiled as I sighted my book case. It wasn't big but it housed all my favorites in paperbacks. 

Chimamamda Ngozi Adichie's Purple Hibiscus and The Thing Around Your Neck. Francine River's Redeeming Love and The Masterpiece. John Green's The Fault in Our Stars and my best Paranormal novels, Lizzy Ford's The Underworld and Richelle Meads' Vampire Academy,  graced the first row. 

Just looking at them always brought back good memories, for a moment, I'd lived in their world. 

Lost in my thoughts, I was startled by a tap on my shoulder. 

Spinning so fast, I turned to check who the intruder was. 

"Deji." I sighed in relief. 

He smiled as he hugged me and I leaned into the embrace. 

"Lost in your world again?" He teased as he let me go. I could see the amusement that coated his face but I wasn't amused. Not in the least. 

He must have noticed because he took a step back and sat on the sofa that faced my table. 

That sofa had served as a bed on so many nights. It didn't matter that my room was next door, some days I just wanted the comfort that only my home office could bring. 

"You got a new waste bin." He commented.

 

"I did." 

It was one of the things I loved about him. As unsupportive as he was in regards to my writing, he never failed to notice the most minute detail. 

He furrowed his brows, "Since when? "

"Since you and your mother decided to give me hell for wanting to be a full time writer."

He laughed. The nerve. I shook my head and made my way to my table. 

"Haba. Chida. " He called as he jumped up and grabbed me by the arm. 

I turned to glare at him. Why did he have to look so fine in his ridiculously snug suit and his neatly trimmed beards? 

"Come. Sit by me for a bit. Then I'll leave you to work." He entreated. 

I indulged him. 

"You know you're not being fair." He accused. 

I was stunned and made sure he noticed. Me. Not fair. 

"You want me to give up being a full time writer and take a job you got me without my knowledge or any prior discussion and yet, somehow I'm the one who's unfair. Wow, Deji. You deserve an applause."

He sighed as he pinched his forehead in what appeared to be exasperation. 

"We're trying to build a home Chi. Our wedding is  in three months, we both need steady income if we're going to build a solid home. What if something happens to my job? What if I get laid off? "

"Are you praying you get laid off? " I retorted. 

He looked at me in wonder, that face always made me laugh. It was like he couldn't understand where I sprouted from but in this moment I couldn't bring myself to even smile. 

"Of course not. I'm just saying, it'll be good for you to have something doing. It'll take you out of the house. You'll meet new people too."

"I have something doing and I know enough people." I stubbornly replied. 

"Do you though? " I fixed him my death glare. I had four friends and they were enough. 

"Fine." he raised his hands in surrender, then placed them on my knees in a bid to appease me. 

"Chidalu, firstly, you can never know enough people. I'm not asking you to make friends but to build your connection. You have lovely friends that come through for you but you need to make even more, you need to network. Contrary to what you think, I do support your writing. You're an amazing writer and I love that you're so dedicated but my darling, you need help. I talked to the guy at the Editorial and he agreed to have you come in four days in a week. You can take the remaining days off. I stole one of your short stories and he was impressed. This way you can focus on your writing while working too."

"Deji--"

"I know. You want to write full time. But you can't afford to yet."

I frowned, that wasn't correct. 

"You know I can. My parents are supportive and will give me whatever I want."

"For how long Chi? Yes, I know you're their only child and all but isn't it time you stepped out on your own?  And how am I supposed to feel if you still depend on them financially even after we're married? "

I hadn't thought of that. 

"You hadn't thought of that." He said out loud, mirroring my thoughts. He'd always been able to read me like a book. 

"I love you Chi. God knows I do. And my mum just wants the best for us too. She keeps thinking you're spoilt and though I know that's not the case, she thinks I'm biased. And that your family will try to control our marriage with their money."

I frowned, "That's not--"

"I know." He sighed again, his head in his palms this time. 

"I know that might not be true."

"Might? "

"Your father tries to be controlling some times but then, I understand you're his only child and I think we've come to a certain kind of understanding."

He adjusted in his seat then turned to face me. 

Deji placed his hands back on my knees and squeezed as he looked me straight in the eye. 

"I don't care about other people Chi. I really don't. It's you and I in this marriage. No one else. I'm not marrying your father and you're not marrying my mother. Out of love for each other, we will try to make these other relationships work but it's you and I. Just us. Tell me you understand. "

I nodded, tears in my eyes,  "I do." He always knew how to break down my defenses and pull down my walls. 

"I want only the best for you and right now that means pushing you out of your comfort zone. You can be more. For yourself, for our future. I don't ever want you looking back and asking yourself why you never took steps to be better, why you never made moves to be independent. Why you never tried being more. I need you to step out of this cocoon. You've been in it for far too long."

"But I'm scared. " I admitted. 

"I know you are, darling. I know but trust me, you're amazing. But I can't keep saying this. You need to know it for yourself. I'm not asking you to stop writing, I'm asking you to go further. You are a full time writer but you never publish any of your works. You're living on your trust fund at 26. I don't want this for you." 

I stared at him, really stared at him and saw that he, indeed, was scared for me. 

"What if they don't like me at the Editorial? What if I can't do what they want to employ me to? "  I voiced out my fears. 

He took my hands in his and squeezed, "What if they do? What if you can? Positive thoughts Chida, I always tell you, Positive thoughts. I love you but you need to take a step forward. I can keep pushing this way but I fear it might pull us apart."

I looked up at him, afraid. 

"I don't want anything pulling us apart. I love my writing much more than I do you but I don't want to be apart from you."

He chuckled, "I know I'm your second love. You need not remind me. But then, if you love something, you should explore all facets of it and build. Not stay static. And yes, I don't want to be apart from you too."

I sighed in resignation. 

"Fine, I'll take the job." I conceded. 

"Not yet." He said. 

I frowned. What now? Wasn't that what he wanted? 

"Think about it long and hard, you have till Monday, today's Wednesday. Don't do it for me, do it for you. I need you to do it for you. It's not going to be smooth all the way but trust me, it'll be worth it."

And with that he pecked my cheeks then took long strides out of my office.