Silent Expectations

Sitting next to me on the old worn leather chair in the living room,

"Who hurt you?" Mama asked as she took my hands in hers and gently massaged them while looking straight at me in that intense way she often did. 

The gesture was so tender it brought tears to my eyes.

Crying, I choked out, "Zen mama, he shattered everything I held dear."

Mama frowned, confused, she tilted her head and inquired, "How did he?"

"I expected him to treat me better mama, to know what my needs were, I'd needed him to know.

To understand the tears I cried and acknowledge my feelings. 

I expected him to know how I felt about him and do something about it, but instead he did the opposite.

He left me when I wouldn't tell him why I cried so much, why I was so sad. 

He didn't care, I'd just wanted him to care mama, I'd just wanted him to do and know these little things but he left me mama, he left me"

Mama smiled sadly. "Did you tell him all these? "

I frowned, "Of course not, mama." 

 "Was he a mind reader?"

Letting go of her hands, I fidgeted in my seat and bent my head.  

"Of course not mama but I expected him to--I mean It's not so hard understanding pink is different from peach mama.  I expected him to know my weaves were different from my wigs and that my mascara wasn't same as my liner.  I expected him to know my flats were different from my heels and that my heels hurt.  I expected him to just know my moods. I expec-- Oh God." I cried.

 "Who hurt you? " Mama asked again. I lifted my head and looked at her.  

"Who hurt you, Dinah" Mama reiterated as she stared at me the way she had that one time I'd touched fire just to know if it would burn me. 

She stared at me like I'd hurt myself.

My brows furrowed in confusion and I opened my mouth to say "Zen" but then,  it dawned on me. 

With deep regret, heart wrenching sobs and tears in my eyes, I answered her. 

"My own expectations mama. My expectations hurt me"